I’ve always hated you, November

I thought I’d be back by now – blogging happily.  I didn’t anticipate another bad October and an even worse November, but I should have known.  October pulled me through because I had to be around to pull off various birthdays.  I’m the Mom and the wife and the friend, so it is up to me to pull things together – and most importantly, pull myself together – for all the birthdays that happen in October.  Now I’m in the throes of November and I remember how brutal it has always been for me.  Funny how the human mind is able to forget so much, but for a long time while I was busy being a Mother to my newborns, I forgot how much I hate November.  When I make it out of this month, I’ll move into another month that will pull me through because I have obligations again, as a Mom, wife, and friend.  Right now though, I struggle to remember why I should get up in the morning.  The dream world is a much better place for me right now.  It is full of colors, sights and sounds that make me feel alive.  When I wake up, my world is grey, dull, lifeless.  It’s a bit like looking through the glass of a dirty window.  Life is there on the other side.  I know other people are enjoying the splendid view out there beyond the window.  I see and hear them having their adventures out there beyond the grimy glass, but I can’t join them.  So, I look for some comfort and relief from the lifelessness inside me and I find it in the dream world and sometimes in a good book, if I’m able to escape inside it long enough.  This isn’t the kind of blogging anyone wants to read.  I’m quite sure of that.  Happy people get tired of hearing about us gloomy chumps, but I figured I’d check in and let you know what is really happening instead of putting on a happy face and pretending everything is okay.

Yours truly,



Goodbye for a bit, dear readers

I’ve been struggling mightily with the amount of emotional energy it takes to research and write posts on this blog, so for now I am taking a much-needed, temporary hiatus.  It is also a bad time of year for me – painfully little in the way of daylight.  I will be back though, after I connect with other people who are going through a similar experience.  I have supportive straight friends but it’s not quite enough for me right now.  I need to talk to more people who are bi and yet somehow figure out how to get their needs met.  It’s not something I claim to know how to do but surely someone out there has figured out a good, healthy arrangement wherein they can have what they need from both men and women.  It is hard to talk to people who are satisfied with a relationship with just one gender whether it be same-sex or opposite-sex.  They hear what I’m saying but don’t necessarily understand.  I’m sure my bi readers can relate.  So for now, adios, and I’ll talk to you soon.

Much love, bi-girl

What is a gay soldier, Mom?

This is the question my five-year-old asked me tonight, and I responded with my usual lack of finesse.  Does any parent really sound clever when explaining complex issues to their children? My wild guess is – probably not.  I started with the word, “gay” making sure she understood what that meant.  We’ve already discussed how girls can fall in love with girls before.  That particular revelation produced unbridled joy: “Does that mean I can marry my best friend?!”  “Sure honey, if that’s what you want when you grow up.” Meanwhile I’m thinking, good lord, that marriage will be hell on wheels!  They are the kind of bff’s that fight like cats and dogs over who is the lead princess in their make-believe world, and then make up about once an hour or so.  Anyway, the concept of girls liking girls and boys liking boys is familiar to her, but before I could get a word in edgewise to explain what it means to be a “gay soldier,” she chimed in with “So they are just American soldiers then?”  Oh the wisdom of a five-year-old.

Yes, my dear child, you said it better than anyone I’ve heard yet.  I did not take the time to explain what DADT (Don’t Ask Don’t Tell) stood for.  I admit, it is hard to explain bigoted policies to a five-year-old, especially at 10pm at night when she should be in bed already.  I’ll probably need to save that particular lesson in military policy for later when she has a bit more history under her belt.  My point in sharing this is to say: shame on those people in the GOP debate audience who booed a gay American soldier.  My five-year-old is more discerning, open minded and human than any of those sociopathic adults in that audience.  Also, I am thankful that when I do take the time to explain DADT and its historical context, I won’t have to explain why it is still in effect.  At least there is that.

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