There are times in my life that fear takes over and governs my actions completely. Today is one of those times. My parents are visiting for a few days, so you’d think this would be a happy or at least peaceful time for me and my daughters. It is anything but that for me. Terror grips my heart with its cold hands every time I have to interact with my parents face to face. Why? Because they believe that anyone who is not heterosexual is a depraved, sinful soul, and I’m not exaggerating or trying to be facetious. They really do think that any deviation from the hetero-norm is evil. So, while they are visiting, I try my best to be calm and gracious, but panic still engulfs me, sweeping me into a sea of irrationality.
Why not just be completely honest with them and tell them who I am? Some could do it without hesitation, but I can’t seem to drum up the courage. Oddly, they are nice people, except for this awful bit of bigotry. They are both kind, polite, generous and helpful. They are, in fact, quite progressive in their stance on the civil rights of minorities and women. My own childhood was a good one except for the constant pressure to fit into their model of Christianity. The coercion never let up. Day after day, I was reminded that unless I repented my sins, I was going to burn in hell forever. To this day, I’m still unclear about the sin part. My logical mind never could grasp the subtle nuances of sin’s definition. All I knew for certain is that all of us, myself included, needed to keep asking for forgiveness. Otherwise the risk of eternal damnation remained too high. When I was a child, I would ask forgiveness for just about anything to cover all my bases.
So, as an adult, am I taking the cowardly way out? Maybe. I would never call anyone else a coward for hiding their sexuality from someone like my parents, but I accept that others would think that of me. I just cannot bear the thought of life without my Mom and Dad. It sends me to the brink of despair to even ponder it. They are the only extended, biological family that I am still in constant contact with. I have my wonderful husband, my daughters, my friends, all of whom I love dearly, but that part of me that is still a girl – the inner core of who I am – clings to the two souls who brought me into this world. If they were to excise me from their life, it would be akin to ripping out my heart and taking out its center. I’m not up to the task of revealing who I am to them, at least not yet.
bigirlinastraightworld 
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